Wednesday, April 1, 2009

The Essentials

Well, I made another run over to Spinneys this evening (on my way out for dinner and drinks with a Brit businessman) and procured the fourth and last of the items which are essential for long-term survival in a high stress environment. First, of course, is cigarettes. I came with plenty of those (they serve a dual purpose as ice-breakers and personal stress-relief devices.)*

*I arrived with 800 cigarettes less than a month ago, and bought 400 more last week. I have approximately 100 remaining. That's roughly 1100 smokes in thirty days. Even accounting for the fact that the locals have bummed perhaps 200 off of me in that time, I still smoked a pack and a half a day for the last month. Yeah, I know, not good for me. Why don't you come here and tell me that.

Second is booze. I've had very little luck procuring alcohol, and I only brought a very small amount with me. While my cigarette intake has increased exponentially, my alcohol consumption has dropped through the floor (admittedly from an exceptionally high level previously). On the up side, I no longer wake up feeling like I'm going to die. On the down side, I no longer sleep. Steps are being taken on my behalf to rectify the deficiency of potable beverages.

Third is this lovely product of Austria. Right after excellent coffee, wonderful pastry and the occasional mass internment of Jewry, this is one of Austria's most well-known achievements:


Fourth, is the single greatest product of American ingenuity and cuisine, an homage to all that is simultaneously wonderful and decadent about America. I speak of course, not of the cheeseburger, the martini, the pizza or Cheez Whiz (all outstanding examples in their own right), but of the paragon of the American dietary pyramid:

Now I should be set for at least the next five days, at least until the peanut butter and Red Bull run out. After that, I won't be responsible for my actions. For those of you wondering if there aren't of survival that one might acquire here, rest assured that I have one of those as well, but I promised not to post pictures because it would make certain people nervous. Besides, that sort of thing is only for those times when one goes "outside the wire" and I would look pretty silly wandering around Logar Province with just a jar of Jiff Creamy and my winning personality.*

*And I will brook no argument about the brand or consistency of my choice of peanut spreads. It's got to be Jiff (with extra sugar!) and NEVER crunchy. It is, after all, peanut BUTTER. Who wants crunchy butter? Sugar and oil are the primary ingredients; peanuts are optional.

I apologize for the crappy quality of the pictures. Truth be told, those are the first digital pictures I've ever taken on my own camera. No shit. Welcome to the 21st century. I actually saw a good portion of Western Europe (not to mention lovely trips to Yellowstone and the Grand Canyon) and took not a single picture of my own. I hope my memory is better than my judgement.


00 said...
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00 said...

The farm here likes it crunchy