I can't identify with the sentiment of the whole piece, since I'm in a much easier environment than him (Kabul ain't Kapisa!),* but I am impressed by the wit and determination with which he goes about the most difficult job in a counterinsurgency campaign. Working with, living with and training the locals is extremely challenging even under the best of circumstances, and this place ain't the "best of circumstances."
*Not sure if he's actually in Kapisa Province, but it sounds better than "Kabul ain't Badakshan."
I Shoot You Because I Care!
Dear Mr Taliban (ACM, AAF, Booger Eater, EOP, Bad Guy or whatever),
Over time I’ve received emails and comments on this blog that I’m insensitive to your culture. Evidently, I should endeavor to be more tolerant and politically correct in my quest to kill you with every means at my disposal.
After much self reflection I’ve seen the error in my ways and thought I’d write you a brief note to apologize for my actions and those of my compatriots in Team Vampire. I now see how my attempts to incinerate, ventilate and generally cause mayhem could possible hurt your feelings and offend your sensibilities. For that I apologize.
First, let me complement you on the bunker complex that we saw the other day. It seemed very nice and looked like you’d chosen wisely on the size. It appears to me that you didn’t overextend yourself financially building it. That’s great! I also hope that you didn’t use a subprime lender or an adjustable rate mortgage. This should alleviate any issues in the future about defaulting; having to walk away from the bunker complex.
The downside is that you selected this outstanding piece of real estate to launch rockets at American and Afghan soldiers. Thus, I had to destroy it. Maybe we should have served you with a notice to vacate but that didn’t seem prudent at the time. Really if you want to blame someone it should be the Air Force as they’re the ones that actually dropped the bombs. But, seeing as I’m a personal accountability guy I’ll take the blame for it. Sorry.
I also, thought that your headquarters were nice. Blowing it up on Christmas Eve may have seemed arbitrary and unfair. I can see how you’d think that. Really, let’s try to be honest with each other. Is there really a good day to have your building blown up? I don’t think there is. I also now realize that you don’t celebrate Christmas so the holiday season had minimal impact on you.
It did for me as I have a family at home who I’d rather be with; instead hunting you through the mountains. However, I’m here so it seemed like a good thing to do for the holidays. I may not see you on the 4th of July so I thought it best to have fireworks for Christmas. I empathize with you now that it may have been inconvenient for you. Once again sorry.
These people have pointed out for me that my culture is different from yours and that just because it’s different it’s not bad. I guess there may be some upside to throwing acid in little girl’s faces when they try to go to school, I just don’t see it though. I think I’d prefer to build schools for them and protect them as they learn to read and write. This probably offends you and my new life course shows me that I need to see the positives in everyone. If you’d like to explain this to me, I’d like to hear it.
It also may be confusing to you when I broke down your door in the middle of the night and arrested you for killing your fellow countrymen. This probably disrupts your sleep and thus you’re tired once you reach detention. In the future I’ll try to schedule these at times better suited to your rest cycle.
As far as the Geneva Convention goes, I have to follow it. This is nonnegotiable. Your actions though lead me to believe that you’d prefer to have your head cut off on the internet. This is what you do to anyone you capture, combatant or non combatant. I can’t accommodate this desire. I apologize for the fact that you’ll be given medical treatment and treated with dignity. Again I apologize profusely.
I’d also like to clear up some reasons why I’m here. There may be some confusion about this from all the claims swirling around in the news. Let me take you back about eight years when you were letting Osama chill out here.
“We should crash some planes into the World Trade Center” Osama suggested tentatively
“Gee Osama, won’t that piss off the Americans”? You must have asked.
“Yes” Osama stated with glee.
“They’ll probably come here and jack us up” you replied.
“No way bro, they’ll never come here and do anything to us” Osama claimed confidentially.
“Um; I don’t think that’s right, they’ll probably come here and be pretty pissed off” attempting to dissuade him.
“Don’t worry about it they’ll never do anything, you’re a nervous nelly” OBL replied dismissively
I hate to tell you this but you were right. It did piss us off and now Osama lives in some cave, can’t use a cell phone or email and craps his pants every time he hears an airplane. I know the nervous tick crapping is annoying but it’ll clear up once we kill him.
You should have gone with your gut and said no. Once we got here we decided it’s not that great that you kill and subjugate people and thus you’ve got me in your backyard. I really can’t take responsibility for your poor judgment on this one. But, I understand it was a persuasive discussion. Thought this might assist in a little self discovery. I’m a giver after all.
I won’t even go into the way you treat women. You’re just lucky it’s not my wife here because if you think I’m determined; she would lay waste to your ass and never stop. So, I did you a favor on that one. See, I can be nice.
Well, I just wanted to touch base with you on a couple of perceived issues and apologize for my poor behavior. In the future I’ll try to be more understanding as I hunt you to the ends of the earth and destroy you any chance I get. It will be with kindness and understanding.
If you’d like to discuss and resolve any of these issues just send me a grid to your location and I’ll be happy to meet you; or I could arrange for a delivery from the US Air Force it you’d prefer that. I can accommodate most requests.
So, have a great day. But don’t sleep too soundly because that noise you hear in the night may just be me. Oh yeah, if you ever get tired of picking on little girls or civilians you can come find us, but that might not be culturally sensitive.
Bottom line, I just want to say I’m sorry. Next time I shoot at you; it’s with love!